Vlad Ulbricht
@PresidentPutin
Amazing, astounding, bewildering, breathtaking, extraordinary, impressive, marvelous, miraculous, spectacular, staggering, startling, striking, stunning, stupefying, stupendous, wonderful, wondrous, astonishing, awe-inspiring, awesome, exciting, hair-raising, heart-stirring, impressive, magnificent, moving, overwhelming, spine-tingling, stunning, thrilling, boss, curious, darb, exceptional, fab, fantastic, flash, gnarly, heavy, inconceivable, incredible, odd, outstanding, particular, peculiar, phenomenal, primo, rare, remarkable, singular, special, strange, stupendous, surprising, terrific, uncommon, unfamiliar, unheard-of, unimaginable, unique, unprecedented, unthinkable, unusual, weird, wicked, arousing. These words quickly crossed my mind after the first 4 minutes of this ground-breaking, genre-busting feast for the senses. The way this film opened with the immensely suspenseful scene featuring the pretty blond woman and the reptilian monster, (drinking the evil elixir), immediately grabbed my attention and it didn't let go. J Neil Schulman then innovatively broke the fourth-wall at the end of this scene, with a direct appeal to his audience to have a "Blast" watching his film and also to not "FORGET" the masterpiece they are about to experience, by imploring them to concentrate and upgrade their memory no less than 3 times. This left me exhausted with excitement and anticipation. So much so, I tried to call J Neil Schulman on the phone number that he subliminally flashed up on screen, to congratulate him on such a brilliant first scene. Unfortunately he wasn't there. Unusually, the girl (who I presumed to be his secretary), then tried to sell me sexual dysfunction pills. I bought 14 bottles. The rest of the film never quite reaches the heights achieved in the blonde lady/lizard man scene, but it is still better than anything else you will see this or any other year. The casting is sublime. All the actors and actresses are obvious masters of their craft, in particular the Elvis impersonator in the buffet song featured in the end credits. I really thought he WAS Elvis. J Neil Schulman was the best actor in the film, (of course). He FILLED the screen with his presence. His performance was HUGE and FAT with subtle nuances and charisma. He gave immense WEIGHT to the character of Alistair, plus he was VORACIOUS in his CONSUMPTION of the viewer's attention. J Neil Schulman DINED OUT on the masterful script and GORGED the lines on offer. Never has an actor shown so much GUTS on screen. A masterful performance. We must also mention the superb writing in this film. An IRS agent working for the Federal Air Marshals inspects a Muslim man and gets in trouble so they send him to a brothel full of wonderful whores and a linebacker who are also actresses, plus Uhura, in Pahrump. The whores and the linebacker and Uhura often sing in casino car-parks because they like to show they are not only great actresses but also great car park singers. Back at the brothel, by an amazing coincidence, the IRS agent sees the same Muslim man from before, who then plays a violin and kills one of the whores (but unfortunately not the linebacker) and then visits Hoover Dam to take an exciting ride down a long rope. The IRS agent then follows the Muslim man to a hospital, with Uhura and the surviving whores and the linebacker, but not before the Muslim man shoots J Neil Schulman with a ketchup bottle and speaks to Cat Stevens. Uhura then shoots the Muslim man with a small gun ( which she had kept it hidden in her pink velvet pouch) and the whores lurk around looking gorgeous whilst showing off their exquisite acting abilities and some schmoo. They then go to a buffet restaurant and take the last fried drumstick before Elvis gets to it, (because Elvis has a cholesterol problem and needs to cut back). All in all this is the greatest film I have ever seen in my entire life and it therefore is number #1 in my eyes! Accordingly, I just went and gave it a vote of 1, because its NUMBER #1!!! HOORAY for J Neil Schulman. Without him my life would be a tiny bit less full than it already is. He entertains like few men before him and I am so so happy I discovered his wonderful talents and his endless ability to entertain. J Neil Schulman is the best. I mean that in all sincerity.
